Hush now, Jock

It has come to my attention that today is the feast day of St. Andrew, patron saint of Scotland. This will probably be marked in northern parts by much revelry and nationalist braying from chaps in plaid skirting, ungrateful for the endless subsidies from the civilised south.

Let's be quite clear about this. Braveheart was a travesty, not a documentary. Scotland is not a country in its own right, but is merely a province which we regard with the same affectionate tolerance one affords a wayward toddler. Before it was taken under our wing, it spent centuries achieving nothing of note, sitting back in jealous awe as the English conquered the world.

So, Hamish McHaggis, hush your bleating. Scotland is not a real country and hasn't been a nation state for more than 350 years. Get over it.